Friday, April 9, 2010

Mark Baker's Secret 'CTSDN Strategy for Success: 'Change That Shitty Diaper NOW!'

Gen. Claude Balls endorses Mark Baker's CTSDN Strategy:

"Much like the US Navy, my love-life was 'Half Mast and Sinking Fast' before I learned-of and deployed Mark's CTSDN Strategy. Now, by simply changing one or two of little Buff's poopy diapers a week, my Scarlett often greets me at the door wearing nothing more then my leather Bomber Jacket and a coy smile. Last week in fact, after an exceptionally knarly engagement of mutual shock & awe, she pinned my Master Missile Badge into my bear chest and exclaimed in a near-spent voice. 'Well Done My Commander, Well Done!' In short, my SITRIP on CTSDN is that it's a powerful Force Multiplier and Mark's Strategy is at least 20 years ahead of anything the Russians are using!"

-General Claude Balls,
Air Force General, Commander-In-Chief: Strategic Air Command

As is the case with all men (the exception being those sad souls born with an extra 'X' Chromosome who grow-up to be liberals or worse), we at some point pass through that 'unique' stage in our path to reason and maturity which forges us into men. In my personal case, that process included 'molding' through the exposure to the fire of life's realities including participating in Scouting, Sports, Military Service, as well as some 'unique' passages, such as dealing with what had to have been 30,000 dirty diapers from the butts of my three great sons -and in fairness to my ex-wife, may have contributed to her needing to leave after 14 years of marriage to "find herself." In honest reflection, I have to admit that I only dealt with maybe 1 in 20 of those nasty packages (actually I remember 'deferring' all the really odious ones her way! So not only can '20-something' males be a bit overbearing at times, but when it comes to equality in dealing with 'baby-exhaust issues,' down right jerks)!

Wow, at 48, this admission by me, to borrow a favorite phrase of doofy Joe Biden, is "a Big F%$#ing Deal!" In doing so, I've betrayed one of the MAJOR secrets of the male brotherhood (I won't get into 'Selective Hearing,''Faux Sleep,' or other deeply-held male secrets here, which I pledge to take to my grave).

In our world, there exist's 'Ism's'of all shape, size and merit, or lack thereof, but for the purpose of this writing, I'm going to focus on 'True'ism.' Here's some examples of Mark's True'isms of late: reject outright about 97% of anything any Democrat says; test the motivation of any Republican office-holder; scratch your head as to WHY Sarah is stumping for RINO-Supreme, McCain?; continue to avoid the Kool Aid (of all flavors); eat less, exercise more; if something smells really odd or funny with a politician, always follow the money; and more importantly, if something smells really odd or funny with your KIDS BUTT, do your wife a favor and JUST CHANGE IT!*

*NOTE: -Sorry pal, you're married now, so that cool Nike motto, 'Just Do It' doesn't apply to you anymore. In what is perhaps the new century's most ironic twist, Tiger Woods' last major sponsor to not bail on his philandering-ass is NIKE, with it's "Just Do It" motto. God DOES have a great sense of humor indeed.

Trust me on this one young fathers out there, if you want to get laid more, I'm pretty sure that the act of brave, pro-active engagement of shitty diapers is the Holy Grail Secret that trumps roses, un-solicited dish-washing, dispatching of scary: bugs, mice, bats, snakes, etc.; and if you find yourself DEEP IN THE HOLE BUDDY, and need the benefit of 'Exponential Suck-Up Dynamics' (were talking stuff that will garner you between 20 to 50/1 returns!), than you need to understand and unleash the power of my exclusive 'CTSDN Strategy,' which is simply an acronym for my CHANGE THAT SHITTY DIAPER NOW formula.

Fellow men, hear me now; for the wisdom I share with you is as timeless and true today as it was back in 'Kirock's' time when he learned the value of removing 'dingle berry's' from the hindquarters of little KoJo and KeLava in order to win the favor of his lifelong cave-mate, Koolhot-Ma. It's no accident that the fact is, women on average, live SEVEN years longer then men! There are many contributing reasons for this, but primarily due to our trying to figure out how to keep them happy. We usually fail because of the fact that we are by and large 'Tri-Wired' beings: Eat, Sleep and have Sex, whereas women are by and large 'Infinitely-Wired' beings: Talking, Shopping, Working, Cleaning, Talking, Shopping... well, you get my point.

Additionally, ever since women learned how to read, our 'Life-Clocks' started their countdowns because they love to read stuff like Harlequin Romance Novels and works from that traitor, Nicholas Sparks, who spins yarns that no man can possibly live up to, and thus only further stacks the deck against us. Then there's Oprah and her damn Book Club endorsements of destructive 'Self-Help' and 'Psycho-Babble' books such as 'Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars.' Just more fuel for the fire set to see our failure through their lies; for Women may well be from Venus, but we MEN are from Cabela's, not Mars!

Don't just take my word for it, but read for yourself, the endorsement at the top of this page of Air Force General Claude Balls, who's utilized my CTSDN Strategy to successfully re-invigorate the sex life of he and his wife, Scarlett (see same at top of this article).

If you're a typical young father between say 21-34 and have seen a severe decline in your 'love-life,' my CTSDN Strategy can help you quickly restore the 'play' to your game! In fact, Changing a shitty diaper is a 50-1 equivalent to mowing of the lawn, taking-out of the trash, or bringing-in ALL the groceries! The CTSDN Strategy pays between 30-49/1 equivalent to Vacuuming the house without being asked; changing the Kitty-Litter, policing-up pubic-hairs in the bathroom, or remembering to leave the seat-down at night.

Finally, for those of you who are 34+, you better be changing 75%+ of any nasty diapers pal, because there's a shelf-life in 'Cougar Country!' Any of you cats over 50 trying to ply your 2nd or 3rd wives; my CTSDN strategy WILL NOT WORK for you and would be a waste of time. Your only hope is to ply her with a large bank account, alcohol, or Viagra (or all three in some 'blond' cases).

The power of my CTSDN Strategy establishes a *Proven Scientific Fact: If you will change shitty diapers, you WILL get laid!

*Based on Finnish Governmental Studies Conducted by the University of Halstinky, FN.

Mark's Disclaimer: For any of you who suffer from a low degree of humor, please know that I wrote this with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. However, the crux of my postulation, though packaged in a humorous wrapper, IS based on absolute fact that I and many other intelligent men who breath through our nose HAVE validated personally. In my past, I HAVE experienced a real, true Cause & Effect Relationship between a willingness to help out with nasty diapers and getting 'rewarded' for said behavior. Try it and see for yourselves...

Press On,

1 comment:

  1. Mark, that is pulitzer, and I do like boiled spinach!