ACTION ALERT: Alien Abductions Reason for Weak & Failed Broadband Signals

by, Mark D. Baker



NEWSFLASH, Grand Ledge, MI:

Have YOU been suffering from ever-weakening Internet Service Signal Strength? I'm afraid it's the Aliens! Yes it's true, and it's getting worse at a much faster rate than I anticipated in my initial projections. They've been randomly abducting unsuspecting internet service signals from mostly the southwest US, but lately they've been doing a few 'sapper' raids deep into the heart of the midwest as well.

They've been.... sorry, I had to gather myself for a moment. They've been taking the poor little signals, hanging them out to dry for an hour or so, then placing them upon greacen rolls (in some cases even toasted/lightly buttered rye {the dirty bastards}), then covering them with fellow-abducted lettuce and then drowning them all with humus! People it's horrible. I've even seen with MY OWN eyes, bits and pieces of what used to be little innocent sprigs of cilantro! The poor little fellas never got the chance to grow into medium-sized sprigs, let alone dream of adult 'Sprighood.'

So my friends, I implore you to contact your Internet Service Provider and DEMAND they spend some of their lofty profits on more robust ISCAAM (Internet Service Counter-Alien-Abduction Measures) protections. If you're too lazy to do it for yourself, do it for our children!


In a related twist to this story is an example of what is becoming a ever-more frequent response to righteous outrage over dropped cell calls and slow internet connections across our country. Grand Ledge's oldest resident, 123 year old Maude Stackman yesterday tossed her 'Jetterbug' brand cell phone down the storm drain outside the Grand Ledge McDonalds to protest the damage being wrought in America by aliens. When asked what prompted her to become so incensed as to toss her cell down the drain, Maude responded: "Number One Sunny boy, I didn't even want one of these new-fangled ray-beam phones, but when my Great Grandbaby Cari found me one with buttons big enough to dial with my nose, I said ok; I may be 123 years old but I ain't no stick-in-the-mud fuddy-dutty." She further added: "These gosh-awful aliens are just plain cussid and something needs to be done about 'em! And Number Two, my State Representative, Riccardo Josepheppi is pushing a bill that will make it illegal for me to even use the dang thing while driving my late Alfred's old '63 Dodge Dart, so what's the use!" "And Number Three young man, I'm just a bit extra crotchity today because all these out-of-towners keep complementing me on 'my costume!' I'll have you know I've been dressin this same way since ought-seven! THAT'S WHY!"

Word spread quickly through this normally quiet little hamlet, 10 miles west of Michigan's capitol. But yesterday was Grand Ledge's Annual 'Victorian Days' celebration, so the little town was filled to the brim with families, and visitors for the annual VD Parade. Soon this reporter was part of an ever-expanding crowd of people from all walks of life, age, race, internet-service-provider and creed, that had gathered in the McDonald's parking lot around Great Grandma Stackman.

They ALL listened (some teenagers there even went so far as to MUTE their incoming text-messages) as Maude's rhetoric segued from the her disgust with alien's messing with our 'God-given' cell-phones, self-serving media-hound politicians, and people mistaking her for a 'Parade Prop' to real substantive heartfelt stories about the need to re-establish using 'the switch' today, if not behind a woodshed than perhaps the satellite dish; the simple virtues-of and need-to re-establishing 'Courtship' between men & women and why it's good to not "peek under the bloomers till after the wedding because those things all work out well if couples'll just connect the dots instead of carrying-on like crass cattle in the field;" finally to the eloquence, timeless-applicability and importance-of our Constitution and the Republic it was written to serve and protect! I watched as all these people were visibly MOVED. Granted a small number of the crowd were visably moved as their poorly masticated McWraps laid siege to their lower intestines, but the vast majority of the crowd were moved by and changed by Maude Stackman's timeless Wisdom.

Mark's Notes: Hope this little story caused you to chuckle in joy as well as reflect on the Wisdom of our Parents, Grand Parents, Great Grand Parents and Founding Fathers. Because of our love for our Children. We should willingly step to the plate in this, 'Our Time of Service,' to be counted as Freedom-Loving Americans who will get off our duffs to promote, restore and forever vigilantly defend, our Great Constitutional Republic.

BTW, Maude & Alfred were indeed actually my Great Grandparents; they did own a cool old '63 Dodge Dart; they both 'a time or two' DID spank my young unruly behind for my benefit, and they and millions just like them, DID live and pass-on to there children, the timeless wisdom of our Founders. The question that our countries survival as a Free Land begs to ask is: Will WE exhibit and pass-on to OUR Children these treasures?

Press On,
-Mark